That really is what I've got to do - the term is over at both institutions - THANK FUCKING GOD....and grades are posted for the college, so that means 1/2 of my work is done. Unfortunately, I extended my deadlines for the university folks, mainly because I had to cancel each class once so I could go to Tucson, so I felt guilty, so those didn't finish coming in until an hour ago - and now the piles abound...again. I'm soooo ready to my apartment floors to be free of piles of student work and covered instead with wrapping paper....and it will be soon, I just have to get 'em done....
So, girl-child, mom, mom's spousal equivalent and I are off to Arizona on Tuesday. I should be packing and organizing and listing - instead, I sit. I've been sitting in just about the same spot since Friday. Think I'm experiencing a case of "the dreads" - not about vacation - think I could definitely use the change for a bit, but just about my life. I hate, hate, hate pity parties but seem to be having one.
This whole possibility of being completely unemployed come December 15th is shaking my confidence and seems to have thrown me into a fucked up mind spiral. Usually, at least when everything else is fucked up, I know I can rock a classroom. When that's gone, too - well, damn.
Need to get off the couch...pronto like....
thy name is Heartswater. At almost 36 years old, it seems my eyes are beginning to show their age...glasses. Sigh. I sooo realize that it's just fine - normal - maybe even just a rite of passage of sorts - it's soooooo ridiculous how much I am focused on what having to wear glasses means (I mean, it's not like they're going to "get better" if I just work out or something - these are eyes - they only continue to get worse.) Also, and this is the part that I find most objectionable, is what really pisses me off, is that I don't like the way I look in them - yup, that's what it comes down to - looks. I'm currently on a self-imposed ban of mirrors and am going to stop obsessing about it right this second...right....exactly...wait, what's that thing pinching my nose....fuck.....
I don't know where it came from, or how long it will last, but I have really been quite productive today....sadly, resulting in my being so tired I feel a crash coming on at any minute. So, without further ado....tonight's top five:
1. graded all comp. I papers and peer reviews
2. graded all eng 221 papers
3. graded all in-class free writes for comp. 1
4. graded comm 101 web site presentations
5. prepped all three classes for tomorrow - this one should count as multiple items, but, whatever - it's done.
Yup, apparently my list is all work related - the good news - there's actually more I could add.
The best part of getting so much done - I got to lay down with my girl for a full half hour at bedtime without looking at the clock, without thinking up another list in my mind - just be/talk with her without any pressure...that was fantastic.
Ohhhhh, so, I got the ultimate reality check on Friday. Enrollment is down at the university (MI economy has hit our co-op program - which is one of the main draws....) and seems I've pissed off my boss at the college (long story - politics that go with teaching at two institutions - especially when one pays about three times as much...) so she's taking pleasure in "punishing" me....ugh - long story short - employment for winter term looks shaky. On a positive note, the dean from the university took pains to tell me it has nothing to do with my teaching, in fact, she already has me down for spring classes, and should one of the faculty members choose to continue his leave (which is pretty probable) I have his classes. Also, I'm pretty sure my boss at the college is playing a bit of cat and mouse - I don't think I'm not gonna get anything, but I'm nervous.
Nervous is good though.....right? Nervous can force change and change can be good. I am usually terrified of change, but sometimes it just has to be done. Bodhibound and I have been tossing around a few ideas, one of which is getting a MLS degree to open up more job possibilities. I think it's a great idea, and really am completely on board - sure does sound a lot more do-able then a PhD program at this point. I'm 35 (almost 36) have a nine-year-old and no security - something's gotta give! I love teaching - I do - and I don't wanna give it up. Even on days I hate what I do, there are just as many that I just adore what I do - but, security is important.
So, after a couple of days of over extending the good nature of my friends (especially bodhibound) and groaning and moaning and plotting, I think I'm ready to just be proud of tonight's list.
1. Girl-child got all As!
2. Mid-term grades are posted for the university
3. Apartment is not only clean, but also organized
4. Clothes for me and girl child are clean, ironed and laid out
5. 8 am class is prepped and ready to go
I most certainly agree with bodhibound - there is something about posting lists here, "in public" of sorts, that seems to encourage me to actually do something "list-worthy" - so, for better or worse, here's tonight's top five:
1. prepped and printed demonstration speech handouts (put together as one because "prepped' means...well, finding the file, so not sure i can justify that as an objective met - shit - my objectives - it counts.."finding" anything in my "files" is an accomplishment - plain and simple. *note to self - organize "folders" - computer files - sure would be more effective if i didn't have 2 or 3 folders/class*
2. graded all of the "sales pitch" presentations for comm 301 - yup, all of 'em! :)
3. entered all grades for comm 301 into grade center
4. helped girl -child do long division - not that she needed help - she wanted me to watch her do the first one to make sure she didn't make any mistakes, then quickly told me she needed, "a little space"...sigh....
5. made lunch for mom
Okay, that's five....tonight, it wasn't even that difficult of a task....
So, I've been done teaching since 9 am - yup - that's right - I only teach for one hour on Wednesdays and I always, always, always have great plans for the day. Now, to clarify what I mean by "great" I'm not talking about fun and exciting plans, but long lists of tasks that all could reasonably be accomplished between the hours of 9 am and 3:30 pm (when girl arrives home from school) - and anyone who has kids (or just "kid") understands that child-free work hours are precious and MUST be used to one's advantage, right...yes. So, I know all of this, and yet (ah - the ol' "and yet") I seem to sleep and sloth around for those six and a half hours - watching mindless tv, smoking cigarettes, becoming one with my couch, going back to bed for quiet stolen hours of sleep - anything and everything except my work. Also, it's not "relaxing" because, in the back of my head, I KNOW I should be working - and I know the long nights and anxiety that will result from my "missing" hours...so, why do it? I started thinking more about this after a friend texted me today and jokingly asked, "how's that workin' for ya" when I confessed to be "acting like I was working" and I had to think about my answer - how IS that/this working for me - it's not. When I replied, "Not very well - wtf is wrong with me?!?!" and the follow up reply was, "you work best under pressure", to which I simply groaned. I groaned because that's always been my "excuse" but that's all it is - an excuse. I think I've always worked under pressure because, basically - well, basically because I'm a bit lazy and incredibly undisciplined (notice that I still smoke - another instance of my lack of discipline) and the truth is it is NOT best for me - I'm exhausted. I can't stay up until 3 am and get up and go all day after only 4 hours of sleep anymore, I can't live on ramen noodle, coffee and cigarettes...time to give up my stolen hours of sleep for extra days to live....
Okay, I refuse to use this space as only a place to rant and rage - SO, although the "title" of this post seems defeatist, I'm simply going to list what I can check off as done for the day....then do a bit more so my next title is a bit less like a whiny 17-year-old title....
1. uh-oh...already having a block...okay - think hard....did laundry
2. posted examples for students at university - that also stopped the flood of emails requesting said examples.
3. entertained four girls (one being my girl) as they "cleaned" leaves...this really means create two huge piles and all jump into them at once. so, what did i do? i didn't have a heart attack and remind my girl that she must be careful because we can't afford (literally) for her to break and arm or leg (c'mon health care reform!) - instead, i took time out, laughed and took pictures.
4. i provided a good turkey dinner for girl. i don't cook - can't/don't - whatever - but i know how to find the best take out, and thomspon creek turkey is most fantastic.
5. block again....i cleaned the kitchen....again....since it has to be done everyday, i get to count it everyday, right?
***Notice the lack of "real' work tasks listed - the word "graded" didn't appear anywhere....I simply can't list any one thing that is completely done. I seem to be sporadic in my grading lately (go figure) and just realized I can't "check off" any one of my list of many...SO, tonight's list is "grade-free"....because once in awhile, productivity doesn't have to come with a letter grade attached to be of value....right!?!?!***
OH! I forgot - #6...didn't lose my mind when girl-child cut her own hair....again....
I really have worked...and worked...and worked...but the piles don't seem to look any less intimidating. The worst part is, I know that this is just par for the course. Teaching four different preps (all English and Communications, but everything from Comp. I to Critical Writing and Literary Analysis) as an adjunct at two different universities/colleges - whatever - is just enough to test my somewhat shaky-as-it-is sanity. Oh yeah - and then there's my girl, who's growing by leaps and bounds and needs her mom, and...what was that other thing....oh! Me! Once in awhile it's nice to just sit and do nothing, but that isn't going to be possible this term, and wow - how fuckin' fun would it be to actually just get to hang out with bodhibound without gut-wrenching panic that I should be working - can't even imagine...now that doesn't seem to be asking much - just gettin' to hang out with a friend, c'mon?!?! Vent, blah, unproductive rant......
BUT, the term is at the halfway point - I will survive - always do - it does have an end point. Also, I'm remembering the reason why I make lists. There's the obvious, that it "reminds" you what you have to do - just the act of writing each task down etches it into memory, and then, obviously, you have a concrete reminder - the list itself. For me, it's not the making of the lists I enjoy, it's the putting the check in the box I make in front of each task that I leave empty until the task is completed. As soon as I get done doing something off of "the list" (whichever list that may be, since I've also learned the effectiveness of using multiple lists categorized by location/task - like "at work" list, "at home" list, etc.) I get to put a check in the box - and doing that act - putting a check in the box, that is what it's all about.
Now, I've found that very rarely do I actually do everything on any given list, which is problematic because then I don't think I've done anything, or at least, not enough. So, I'm going to try to list at least five things I've accomplished each day...well, at least once a week. Here we go, today I....
1. Took auntie lunch
2. Graded student self evaluations
3. Cleaned the kitchen (yes, this counts...)
4. Answered all email from one job
5. Made my daughter laugh
Okay, now I feel better....
What are your favorite web or mobile apps? Which ones do you use everyday?
I Heart Radio.
I have an aux hookup in my car, so I can plug my iPhone in and listen to it through my speakers. I listen to I Heart Radio talk shows like Lex & Terry and Elvis Duran. It has radio stations all over the country. I spend about 2 hours a day in my car, so it helps pass the time. Sometimes it buffers for a while, which can get annoying, but it usually works pretty well for me.
Pandora is a close second.
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
